Not Getting Any
I have been involved with my boyfriend for about 4 years now and we have just taken disagreement to another level. I do not feel like he respects me and always criticize everything I do. We have not had sex in 3 months; I want to know if the problems we are having with disagreeing could it affect our desire to have sex.

Not Getting Any
Red Bud, Illinois

“Ms. Not Getting Any” you already have the answer to your question. You are arguing and not having sex. Now let’s examine it further. Has something happened in your relationship in the past three months? It appears that something has changed. If the intimacy has changed you have probably noticed other changes as well. The first thing to do is sit down and talk about it. Start by picking a time when both of you can sit down uninterrupted. If you are able to be open and honest this may spark the communication and the caring that is mandatory in order to revive a dying relationship. Begin by asking him a few questions: Be prepared to listen intently. How does he feel physically? Ask him if he has something he wants to discuss? Explain to him what you have been experiencing and feeling. Just describe the behaviors you have noticed without being cruel or demeaning. Be specific! It is important for you to talk about how you would like to see the relationship change and start by talking about what you are willing to change. Then allow him to ask you questions and in turn be open and honest. Remember that he may also be going through issues that have little to do with you and more to do with him and what’s going on in his life. He may welcome the opportunity to sit down and talk. There could be several issues: depression, job related stress or perhaps physical, sexual concerns. Make sure you approach him without blaming and insure that there is enough time for the two of you to talk without interruption. Having constant conflict or control issues can surely affect sexual desire. The last and most important fact is that it takes two to argue. No matter what is happening in the relationship both of you play a part? By writing me you have already taken the first step to improving your relationship. Lastly, remember that not all relationship issues can be solved by you. Seek professional counseling if the problem with lack of communication persists.





What can I do?
I am 43 years old and I have been married 2 times. I was divorced 3 years ago because my wife was cheating. I have had a hard time trying to have sex because I get very anxious and wonder if I am really pleasing a woman or if they are pretending to be pleased. I do not have the confidence that I use to and this has really gotten out of hand. I worry so much about having sex, I can’t have sex. What can I do?

Mark ,
Dallas, Texas

Well Mark, if you are concerned that you might not be pleasing your mates, just ask them if they are satisfied with the sexual intimacy between the two of you. It is normal to be concerned, especially since you experienced abandonment in your previous relationship. I am not just speaking of physical betrayal but it was also emotional. You may also have adequacy issues and it appears that trust is also a major issue for you. You are describing a feeling of anxiety when you attempt to have sex. Slight anxiety around sexual performance is normal but can easily become a major issue, however, to the extent that it is causing you stress to the levels you described it is not good. If you have too much anxiety, it will affect your performance and your ability to perform, which will only serve to make you feel worse. You may also have some issues around erectile dysfunction. It appears that you are avoiding being sexually intimate due to issues related to feelings associated with adequacy. It is estimated that 15 to 30 million males suffer from ED in America according to some research on ED. Experiencing this kind of problem will affect your confidence and can cause low self esteem as well. Seeking counseling from a professional therapist will help with the abandonment issues. The most important thing to remember is that ED can be treated. I highly recommend that you see your Physician first and find out if the problem with performance is physical or psychological. Most erectile dysfunction (ED) issues are physical but research has proven that many are psychological well. There are several tests that can be conducted by your physician to determine if your problem is physical or psychological. Only then will you be certain which course of action is necessary. Your physician can make many suggestions.




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