Knight in Shining Armor
Sheafe, why is it that every time I get involved with one of these broads and then try to help them because I genuinely care about them, it always ends up wrong for me. I always end up being the nice guy that bails them out of financial difficulty and provides a shoulder to cry on and then after I rescued them from what ever dilemma their in, they just want to be friends. The guys that took advantage of them took their money and were only there for what they could get seems to be the ones that they always want to be in a relationship with? These chicks really don’t want nice guys…

Vinny
Queens, New York

Vinny, I am not a fan of the term “Broad” to describe women but I feel your pain. I have two terms to describe individuals in your situation; ‘knights in shining armor’ and ‘damsels in distress.’ A ‘knight in shining armor’ is also known in medieval romantic literature as a “knight-errant”. This knight made his first appearance in the 14h century poem, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Such a knight would wander from town to town to perform these great noble exploits. His romantic adventures most often included greater deeds than any other knight. He was, and even today, is the woman’s savior. On the other hand, the theme of “Damsels in Distress” goes back as far as Greek mythology. These young, nubile, helpless and persecuted maidens who, by no fault of their own, have been placed in dire predicaments by a villain or monster require a hero to come to their rescue. They are always quite helpless, ineffectual, naive, innocent and trusting. Vinny, is any of this starting to sound familiar? If you choose to be “A Knight…” that does not mean that these perpetual needy “Damsels…” are required to be interested in you as a boyfriend ot anything else other than a rescuer. Remember, YOU were offering your assistance. Saving “Damsels in Distress” makes you a “Night in Shining Armor.” Remember Vinny, at the end of these stories, the Knight is always riding off alone into the sunset to another adventure. If you are looking for a relationship then look for a female who is available to be in a relationship, not a female in distress looking for a way out of a situation . Without some form of therapy, a damsel in distress is always a damsel in distress and until he wakes up, a knight in shining armor is always a knight in shining armor!


Faking Orgasms
Dr Sheafe, I don’t enjoy shagging my boyfriend; I’m forever faking an orgasm. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m tired of smiling and acting like I enjoy having sex with him, I’m sure he doesn’t have a clue what’s goin’ on but I’m starting to feel guilty. Should I tell him I’ve been faking orgasms?

Allison
Leicester, England

Allison, unless he is to young to know or he’s an older gentleman but still inexperienced he probably has already figured it out. Think about this. How do you think a person’s face looks when they are having an orgasm - happy or tortured? If you think that smiling and making happy sounds while faking an orgasm has convinced him that you climaxed, you’re wrong. While a person is climaxing they look like they’re in pain – NOT HAPPY! The professional pleasure givers know this and are quite efficient at looking like they have just been smacked with a baseball bat in the groin. Instead of wasting time faking, I recommend that you open the lines of communication. Talk about why you are not excited enough to climax and how he can make you climax. I’m not a psychic but I can predict that if you don’t take my advice you’ll eventually end up going elsewhere to get a genuine orgasm. This is one area it is exceptionally unhealthy for any relationship to fake it.


Unappreciated Recovering Addict
Dr. Sheafe, I did drugs for 15 years and now I have been clean for 4 years. In the past when I was using drugs I was angry and told my wife that she made me use. Now that I am clean it sometimes seems like she is angry that I no longer use. It is almost like she resents me for getting better. Is this possible?

Alejandro Torrillas,
San Juan, Puerto Rico

Alejandro, she can appear to be resentful but her issues may be much deeper and are quite common. Addiction affects everyone in the family not just the addict. Co-dependency is known as the “disease of the disease”. Your family member’s life has been affected by your drug use and would benefit from attending Al-anon, Nara-non or another support group in the community. Also, she could also benefit from seeing a professional therapist. Family members are as much in need of treatment as the addict. She supported you in your recovery. Now it is very important for you to be supportive as she recovers from her emotional issues.


How Many Addictions Can One Have?
Dr. Sheafe, Can a person have more than one addiction?

Naayaab D,
Fairbanks, Alaska

Naayaab, I have worked in the field substance abuse for over 20 years and in my clinical experience I have discovered that, 9-out-of-10-times, where one addiction exists there is another; sometimes obvious, sometimes hidden.


Is the real problem Big or Little Willie?
Dr. Sheafe, what do you do when sex is boring and the desire is gone, I pretend I am sleeping or tired so that my wife will leave me alone. I even pretend to be very angry over things to keep her away, what can I do?

Big Willie,
Agoura Hills, California

Well Big Willie first I have to ask, is sex boring or are you having a performance problem. Is Little Willie working properly? If you are having difficulty with sexual performance such as premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction you require medication and medical attention that I obviously cannot address here. If Little Willie can step up to the plate when the bases are loaded and hit a home run then there are other questions that have to be asked. Do you find your wife sexually attractive? If not, why? Has something changed about the relationship or your living environment? Are you having sex just for the sake of having sex or are you genuinely making love? All of these and many more question have to be answered before I can give you a complete analysis of your problem but one thing is certain, without communication nothing else will work. Are you and your mate being open about your sexual desires? Are you comfortable speaking about intimacy? If the sex is boring it is important to talk with your mate about what can be done to enhance it. In your conversation do not blame each other, identify what behaviors you can change, what you would like to do differently and have some recommendations. Then you must be wiling to make changes as well, if the sex is boring to both of you what have you done to enhance your intimacy? Are you depressed? You may be surprise that your mate may feel the same way and does not know how to approach this situation. I strongly encourage both of you to seek professional help from a board certified sexologist. Avoidance and denial cannot work indefinitely. My advice, get help now!


Misinterpreted and Unappreciated Father
Dr. Sheafe, I am married and have stepsons, Whenever I try to correct them my wife becomes angry and always try to defend or protect them, what can I do to about this?

Seth Rundall,
Ontario, Canada

Seth, if she is feeling this way it is important to talk with her. It is important to discuss trust and safety. It appears that she may not feel that you love them. It is important that you interaction with the boys when things are positive. Give them praise or reward them when they do the right thing and then correct them when necessary. Your wife must be made to feel that you recognize them in both situations. So sit down and discuss what her concerns are and why she feels that she needs to protect them from you. You may be surprised what you discover.


CLICK HERE FOR ARCHIVED QUESTIONS