Tears On My Pillow
Dr. Sheafe, I am 24 years old. I got married 4 years ago and waited until I got married to have sex. This would be fine, if it really happened that way. When I first tried intercourse, it was very painful and my boyfriend could not penetrate me. I felt bad and thought if I could just relax then we could have sex. After a few more attempts I just decided to engage in oral and anal sex because I just became frustrated trying to have sexual intercourse. I decided I would wait until I got married and my boyfriend bought that line of "let's wait for sexual intercourse until we are married" as long as we were sexually active in other ways. You probably won't believe this but here I am four years later lying in bed and still unable to consummate our marriage. I have cried myself to sleep for so long and I fear I will never be able to have sexual intercourse with my husband. My girlfriends have asked if I have problems when I am getting pap exams and the answer is "No". I just don't understand why things are like this. Once again my husband rolled over on his side of the bed with his back to me in frustration and once again I am clutching the pillow full of tears and scared to death of losing the man of my dreams, I am still standing at the alter.

Pat
Los Angeles

Pat, I hope this information slows the tears on your pillow. You are not alone and there are many women who suffer from a condition called Vaginismus. It is a condition that causes ongoing sexual pain and is also the primary cause of sexless (unconsummated) marriages and relationships. This condition occurs when the vagina is unable to relax and permit the penetration of the penis during intercourse. It can also inhibit medical examinations or any vaginal insertion. It causes tightness discomfort, burning pain, penetration problems or complete inability to have intercourse. You may experience spasms in your pelvic muscles that may be very painful. There are two types of Vaginismus, primary Vaginismus where the woman has never been able to have pain-free intercourse and secondary Vaginismus which can develop in later life even after years of pleasurable intercourse.

This said, Vaginismus is highly treatable and a full recovery from Vaginismus is the normal outcome of treatment. Successful Vaginismus treatment does not require drugs, surgery, hypnosis, or any other complex invasive technique. Following a straight-forward program pain-free and pleasurable intercourse is attainable for most couples. It is also possible to train the muscles to stay relaxed by conditioning the vagina for penetration.

There are several techniques that you can use to prevent Vaginismus, to relax the spasms in the vaginal muscles, which could include using your finger, or a series of dilators that come in a range of diameters. First, relax while using these techniques. Do not rush. Take your time and practice, practice, practice. Start using positive statements when you think about sex and start focusing on it as enjoyable. You and your partner should avoid forced penetration and continue to concentrate on other sexual activities of which there ate are many.

I also encourage you to see your physician to determine if there are perhaps medical conditions that are contributing to this pain. Depending on what the issues are, I encourage you to seek counseling with a sex therapist to begin to help you function in a healthy sexual relationship. Treating the underlying causes of Vaginismus is enough to clear up the condition quickly. This can began in therapy. A happy fulfilling sex life with your husband can be a phone call away.


You Get What You Pay For
Dr. Sheafe, I am a 58 year old single male. I was married once, for about three years, when I was about 37 years old but the marriage ended in divorce. My ex was about 21. Since then I have dated many women and the relationships usually end because the women become to demanding. I was in the military for most of my professional career and have dated women from all races and cultures. I have helped many of these women financially and I usually enjoy the sex. I am really worried about permanently being single. After all, I 'm not getting any younger; I play it off with the fellas as though I don't mind being single but I really do. I would like to meet Ms. Right because I am tired of the endless first dates. I want someone to grow old with…any suggestions?

Bradley
Wailuku, Hawaii

Well, it appears that you have extensive experience in relationships, however, they haven't bought you happiness and you still find yourself alone. I encourage you to think about something. You indicated that the women in your past have been very demanding. You did not say what they were demanding of. You mentioned that you have helped them all financially. Did you pay for sex with any of these women? Remember not all sex is paid for in an up front, one time, transaction. As a matter of fact, most sex is paid for over time by constantly bribing and purchasing items for another person out of fear. The fear is that when the stuff stops the sex stops also. Is this what you did? When I examine the relationships you spoke about there are a few things from the information you provided that are common: money, sex and you.

I encourage you to look at yourself or your behavior. You say you are looking for a relationship that will last. Remember that the only thing you can change is yourself. Try starting a relationship differently. Perhaps you should try having a relationship that does not include helping the woman out financially. Remember, if you are paying for a relationship, when the money runs out so does everything else. Try getting to know someone without exchanging money, but remember a relationship requires hard work and a good deal of effort!


CLICK HERE FOR ARCHIVED QUESTIONS