He Just Keeps Coming Back
Dr. Sheafe I have been dating a much younger man, who I know lives with another woman. I have allowed him to stay with me off and on and also gave him money from time to time. I treated him better than any woman he has ever been with. However, I find myself having sex with him over and over even though I tell him I will not have sex with him again. I want to end this relationship but he keeps coming back, my friends say he is using me. I do not want to let him continue to use me, what can I do?

Ms. New York

Ms. New York, you said that he was much younger than you and he lives with another woman. Have you met this other woman? If he’s that young are you sure it isn’t his mother. He might be pulling the wool over your eyes. He might be living at home. Provided this is not the case there are a few things you have to answer honestly. In terms of a relationship what do you want from this young man?


1. Are you ending this relationship because you want to or because your friends have advised you to?
2. What kind of relationship did you originally agree to?
3. Do you talk about your sexual relationship with him to your friends?
4. If all you are sharing is sex and money, is it really a relationship or an arrangement?


HERE ARE A COUPLE OF POINT TO PONDER

You said he keeps coming back. Is he breaking down the door and holding you at gunpoint to make you have sex with him and give him money or have you made it considerably easier. If you are letting him in, I do not agree that he is using you.

If you desire an honest relationship, I would discourage sharing. Based on my 24 years of experience there are no winners in a relationship triangle.

Remember that this is your life and no matter what you tell your friends, it is what you do that counts. Perhaps your friends are a little jealous. Today there are many older women choosing to be involved with younger men sexually. It appears that your friends see you as a victim. Have you told them the whole story because it appears that you knew what you were initially getting into? Perhaps you are both using each other. You seem to be getting what you want or what you pay for. My opinion is that if you want to stop seeing him, don’t worry, when you are really, really, ready to stop, you will!


Unable to Bring My Girlfriend to Orgasm
Dr. Sheafe, I am tired of trying to satisfy my girlfriend sexually. She just has never had an orgasm and I am feeling like this relationship is not going to work out. At first, I thought it was me until she told me that she has never had an orgasm. She asked me if I could deal with it, at first I thought I could, but now I find myself feeling bad. There must be something I can try.

Donnie,
Pine Bluff, Arkansas

First, don’t give up. I think that it is excellent that you want to satisfy your girlfriend. Many young men make this a secondary priority and end up driving women into the arms and beds of older and more experienced men. It appears that your girlfriend was honest in telling you that she never experienced an orgasm. She may also be feeling very bad about herself. Many women with this problem do. Many feel that there is something wrong with them. In some cases women never experience an orgasm because they have not learned what type of stimulation and what duration of stimulation is needed. When you speak about feeling bad, it does not mean that you are not a skillful lover because your girlfriend cannot reach orgasm. There is a condition called Anorgasmia or in laymen’s terms “frigidity.” This is an inability to reach orgasm and it occurs in about 10% of women.

There are four kinds of anorgasmia:
1. Primary-where they never have been able to reach an orgasm
2. Secondary-where they experienced orgasm at some point in their life
3. Global-where, by any means, they never experienced an orgasm
4. Situational-where they have experienced orgasms in certain situations, such as manual not intercourse.

Dr. Paul A. Gore, a professor and researcher at The University of Missouri-Kansas City made this statement about this problem, “Anorgasmia, or the failure/inability of women to achieve orgasm, was never seen as a problem in the male-focused culture of the past. The ideal woman of the early 1900’s was seen as pure, asexual, and she was expected to engage in sex only to please her husband and/or bear him children. Fortunately, forces of social change such as WWII, and the sexual revolution allowed attention to be redirected from the woman being seen as the sexually passive wife who does her "duty" as the acceptor of the gift of life; to seeing the woman as a fully sexual being who can share in the experience of pleasure which accompanies a mature sexual relationship.”

Donnie, There are several things you can try, start by sitting down and talking with your girlfriend , explaining to her how you feel and inquiring about how she feels. It could be that you are both trying too hard, so it’s important to relax. Just try to enjoy the process, there is no rush weather or not she attains an orgasm. You can encourage her to do the same. Communicate what you want form each other sexually, you cannot read each other’s mind. Tell her what you like then ask what she likes, sometimes you may think you know what your partner wants , but that may not be the case. It is important not to make her feel bad about having an orgasm and do not let her put herself down; not having an orgasm does not make her less feminine, or reflect her psychological or emotional health either. She may have problems concentrating during sex. It is important to figure out together what brings her pleasure and what may bring you more pleasure, so explore. While there are many ways you can help your girlfriend reach orgasm, she is responsible for her own sexual pleasure. That does not mean you should not be involved. It is also important to talk about dislikes in love making as well.

Lastly, it is also important to know that a woman does not have to have an orgasm to enjoy sex; this seems to be a common myth among men. Women enjoy closeness and physical intimacy of sex and are satisfied if they do not or do not always have an orgasm. Many women will never experience an orgasm with a penis in their vagina. Women are multi-orgasmic and can receive pleasure many ways.


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